Kevin Smith is a Silly Bitch

He is.

Just watched his third Q&A Documentary, Sold Out: A Three-vening with Kevin Smith, last night while stewing in my exhaustion/muscle relaxer haze, and laughed my tits off. It was much longer than the other two in the series, but doesn't suffer for it.

I, like many people my age, grew up on Kevin's movies. I still remember my jaw dropping during the "you sucked 37 dicks" scene of Clerks, or the Superman-Lois sex debate of Mallrats, or the fisting and fingercuffs in Chasing Amy. And don't get me started on Dogma. Brilliant. Period.

He has always been good for fantastic low-brow comedy mixed with dialogue that captures the beautiful banality of everyday conversation and elevates it to poetry. I refer you to The Fleck's and Jason Lee's speeches in Chasing Amy. But until I saw these documentaries, I never realized how truly gifted a comedian Kevin Smith is.

I refer to his many geeking out stories about Star Wars, and getting a private tour of the Battlestar Galactica set (where the producer stenciled a ship as belonging to Cpt. Silent as a tribute to Smith), and his in-depth analysis of just how boring Superman Returns was. Possible use of Super-roofies are involved!

But more than that, the man is fearless in discussing his personal life, and his many insecurities. Being recognized by the proctologist who diagnoses his anal fissure, looking like Humptey-Dumptey's butch lesbian aunt while trying on a custom built wet-suit, and the microscopic nature of his dick are all fair game for a man who has built a rabid following of fans by giving them constant access to his own musings and experiences.

If you have not seen any of his work, you are missing out on one of the funniest smartest cats in the business. Period.

Here endeth the electronic rimjob. You're welcome Kevin.

How's this for Irony?

I was driving my friend, Michelle, to test-drive a used car she was interested in buying. I got on the highway. I started to smell something burning. I looked in the rear-view mirror and see blue smoke. I look again. And again. I finally realize it is, in fact, coming from MY car. I almost kill us both half pulling onto the shoulder and half cutting off a very angry soccer mom... Fuck you lady your car wasn't spitting blue smoke.

So I think my engine is about to explode, but when I look, my oil light isn't on, and the temperature guage for the engine is in the normal range. So I step out of the car, and at this point I'd like to give a big Fuck You to the guy in the blue van that was riding the lane line, and don't smell oil. No I smell rubber. Burning rubber.

Turns out my right rear tire has a gouge the size of a porn star's cock in it because my suspension has dropped down and has been rubbing against it for what could have been days...
Woo fuckin hoo.

Thank Jeebus that Michelle has a mechanic friend. Aaron, if you are reading this, though you have no reason to be, I owe you a beer. He got us in touch with the towing service, which showed up in 15 minutes (NY tow trucks would be suckin this guy's dust).

Side note: Our driver looked like a ginger-kid version of the bald guitarist from Anthrax... complet with wicked fu-man-choo goatee! Also he had a skull tattoo on his neck and when he turned his head, it looked like it was winking at Michelle... pretty funny! He also kept rubbing Michelles leg whenever he had to shift to seventh gear, though he did apologize for "getting fresh"!

So I was struck by the irony of taking my friend to go buy a Toyota and having my own Toyota break the fuck down... Though the irony won't help the sting of the estimate I'm going to be recieving on Monday...

But at least I have a real excuse to not go to the gym for awhile!!

My own personal inauguration...

So I decided I needed a way to vent some of my boredom and frustration, and my currently unfulfilled need to write and produce... something. Thus... this.

I began this post writing about how a lot of the movies I see are essentially bullshit filler, but I started getting so overwhelmed with trying to point out all the things that piss me off, that I had to start over. This is take two. I've decided to focus on one facet of films that consistently make me cringe.

That facet is the seemingly unkillable suckhole that is the Chick Flick.

These things are the bastard in-bred second cousins of the romantic comedies from years past.

Romantic comedies used to star the biggest actors and actresses of the time, were generally well written, and used word-play as foreplay. Names like Katherine Hepburn, Carey Grant, James Stewart were regularly above the title. Now most of these movies are the bastions of actresses who aren't getting dramatic work anymore (I'm looking at you Sandra Bullock) or never had the ability to actually act (that means you Jessica Alba).

Here's the link to the Rotten Tomatoes list of the all time best reviewed Romantic Comedies:
http://www.rottentomatoes.com/guides/best_romantic_comedies/
There are a few modern movies, and most of them were made by Judd Apatow. That says something, but I'm not quite sure what...

If you look at the movies coming out today, there tend to be two types. Ones based on barely readable chick-lit like The Devil Wears Prada, or the new suckfest on the horizon Confessions of a Shopaholic. The other can all be classified as "Attempts to recapture the magic of When Harry Met Sally and Sleepless in Seattle". Both blow. Badly.

Irrational plot? Check
Improbably handsome and sensitive man? Check.
A main character who claims to be confident but is secretly insecure and needs someone to see them for who they are on the inside? Check.
Throw in a couple of bullshit physical comedy stunts, generally involving the girl tripping over something and the male lead catching her? Check.
Chatty, cynical best-friend who is eventually won over? Check.
Utter lack of any redeemable quality? Check.
The ability to kill brain cells at a rate comparable to crystal meth? You bet.
An even shittier sequel in the pipeline? Coming Soon!

We'd be better off using the film to start a bonfire to roast weenies and watch fantastic films like Lethal Weapon, Rambo, any Chuck Norris, Steven Seagal, Schwarzennegger, or Stallone film...