The man is the bastard child of Truman Capote and Hunter S. Thompson.
He's disgusting, subversive, manic, visceral, twisted, and brilliant.
Fight Club is the one everyone thinks of, of course. How can you not with such an awesome movie version permeating the collective zeitgiest.?
Like Kevin Smith (another man who I've written about), Chuck finds a way to discuss such topics as sexuality, love, companionship, the American Dream, family, and plenty of other meaningful themes, but does so in a twisted and often disconcerting way.
Snuff, for example. His latest tome is written completely from the perspective of several men waiting to take part in a record-breaking marathon porn shoot.
And it's about family. And fame. And love. And hate.
Twisted, yet touching in a "how the fuck did he do that?" kind of way...
Plus any book that involves trans-genital electrocution can't be bad!
Friday, April 24, 2009
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
What a waste of time...
I fully accept that there a ton of incredibly smart people from countries other than the United States. I'm even a fan of letting them come to the US and do research (patents are worth bank!).
But, please, in the name of all that is good and pure, don't let them teach me virology!
If I can't understand you, how am I supposed to learn about the viruses that I will need to treat in the near future??
Go drive a cab or open a 7-11.
That way I don't have to realign my paradigm.
But, please, in the name of all that is good and pure, don't let them teach me virology!
If I can't understand you, how am I supposed to learn about the viruses that I will need to treat in the near future??
Go drive a cab or open a 7-11.
That way I don't have to realign my paradigm.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
This weeks sign of the apocalypse: Twilight fans
Now, there are plenty reasons to get into a fight. I've been in plenty. Won most. Lost my share too. And while, I felt justified at the time, looking back... I was an idiot. I fought for all the big reasons young men usually do: Pride, backing up a friend, girls, girls, girls, girls... etc., etc., ad infinitum.
But never in my life was I ever in a serious, call-the-police, suggest they try some happy pills first-type of fight... over a book.
That's right ladies and gentleman.... we, as a nation, have sunk so low into the societal shitter that our tweens have lost touch with reality to the point that they attack one another over... books. And not in an "Hey bitch, you stole my book, I want it back now" kind of way... nope. That'd be too rational. No, our youth are attacking their fellow chudlings because they don't LIKE a book.
I'll give you one guess what book I'm talking about...
Twilight.
I proudly (and by proudly I mean I'm weeping for the future of our species) present:
The Twi-hard Attack Directory!
I'm not going to pretend that some of these accounts aren't exxaggerated. Some may even be fabricated. But the ones involving attempted murder- throwing acid in someone's face, and firing an emergency flare into a group of people ring with the tone of truth. The second post includes pictures taken of the used flare.
This points to one obvious fact: These kids need to put down the books, smoke some weed, and get laid. That way they won't be so tense.
Now for my attempt to piss off them off even more... I present my Treatise on Why I Think Twilight Sucks:
Having read the books (yes, the whole series), I'm not going to say they were good. In fact, I have serious issues with the author (I think she's a bad writer), the story (there are some very disturbing issues wrapped in the guise of "supernatural romance), and the movie (while better than the book, still pretty much drivel). The story had a great hook- a re-imagining of the vampire and werewolf mythos with a strong female main character, set in modern day high school. I was intrigued when I read about it. But I feel the series as a whole under-delivered. However, for the record, I will say Kristen Stewart is cute (Much better and hotter in Adventureland IMO).
Simply put, while mildly interesting from an idea standpoint, the books are COMPLETELY subpar when compared to:
1) Dracula- the gold standard for the "create tension by leaving things unseen" method of vampire novel. The movie Jaws used the same formula for the shark. Hannibal Lecter is another good example- on screen in Silence of the Lambs for around 15 minutes of a 120 minute movie. And he was creepy as fuck. Then look at the sequels- once the monster is the center of attention, he becomes less scary.
2) Anne Rice's Vampire Sagas- These books deal with a lot of the themes Twilight tries to tackle. Ms. Rice's novels are sweeping epics of lust, longing, tragedy, sex, gore, God, the Devil, the nature of good and evil, and the conflict between legend and technology. But she is able to delve into these topics with vigor because of her use of multiple narrators throughout the series, and the fact that she is WRITING FOR ADULTS! Twilight was written for teens, and many of the deep thematic elements that could have made the books better were glossed over in favor of LONG LONG LONG passages rehashing the feelings of a young girl. And her feelings barely change for the length of the series! She never doubts her feelings or thinks that perhaps she has made a mistake or wonders what could have been- you, know... things real people do.
3) Underworld- the first mainstream media offering in many years to combine the two mythos: vampire and werewolf. In the movie, the traditional legends are generally respected, though tweaked for 21st century sensibilities: the vampires are still aristocratic like Dracula, but dress in modern couture borrowed from the story boards of the Matrix. The werewolves are re-imagined into more dog-like humanoid form, but otherwise stick with the conceit of shabby, ripped clothes and uncontrollable rage. They were set-up in a master-slave relationship and the story takes off from there- with doses of genetic engineering, chimeras, and modern CGI thrown about. If there is one thing Ms. Meyer could have taken from this film it was this: the fun of a good action sequence. Her books are all build and not pay off. If it were porn, there'd be no money-shot. Especially in Twilight. She spent FOUR HUNDRED pages establishing the danger of the vampires, the lethality of the tracker who was stalking the characters, and then at the end? Her narrator passes out, and wakes up AFTER THE CLIMACTIC BATTLE!
For how to write good action scenes I point the curious to Stephen Hunter, Vince Flynn, and the master himself, Robert Ludlum.
Oh, and while I can't speak in great detail about them (Jill could!), Ms. Meyer was also INCREDIBLY influenced by the novels of the nineteenth century- I speak of the Jane Austen, and Bronte Sisters. All sexual and class tension- NO ACTION. That being said, I've read Jane Eyre, and Wuthering Heights, and while I didn't like them, I can respect the use of language those authors exhibited. I cannot say the same about Ms. "How many crappy adverbs can I cram into one book?" Meyer. For a discussion of the weakness inherent in the way she writes Ms. Meyer should read Stephen King's On Writing... for that matter, everyone should. (I'm a King fan, mostly because he doesn't take himself seriously, and gets genuine joy out of the art of writing, and the Dark Tower is the Lord of the Rings of "our" generation).
Oh and by the way, the Romeo and Juliet references buzz around like flies on shit... she even has them READ THE DAMN PLAY IN CLASS.... subtlety thy name is NOT Stephenie Meyer.
So there. I don't like Twilight. So PLEASE let someone attack me over this blog post.... I haven't gotten to break anybody's limb recently!
But never in my life was I ever in a serious, call-the-police, suggest they try some happy pills first-type of fight... over a book.
That's right ladies and gentleman.... we, as a nation, have sunk so low into the societal shitter that our tweens have lost touch with reality to the point that they attack one another over... books. And not in an "Hey bitch, you stole my book, I want it back now" kind of way... nope. That'd be too rational. No, our youth are attacking their fellow chudlings because they don't LIKE a book.
I'll give you one guess what book I'm talking about...
Twilight.
I proudly (and by proudly I mean I'm weeping for the future of our species) present:
The Twi-hard Attack Directory!
I'm not going to pretend that some of these accounts aren't exxaggerated. Some may even be fabricated. But the ones involving attempted murder- throwing acid in someone's face, and firing an emergency flare into a group of people ring with the tone of truth. The second post includes pictures taken of the used flare.
This points to one obvious fact: These kids need to put down the books, smoke some weed, and get laid. That way they won't be so tense.
Now for my attempt to piss off them off even more... I present my Treatise on Why I Think Twilight Sucks:
Having read the books (yes, the whole series), I'm not going to say they were good. In fact, I have serious issues with the author (I think she's a bad writer), the story (there are some very disturbing issues wrapped in the guise of "supernatural romance), and the movie (while better than the book, still pretty much drivel). The story had a great hook- a re-imagining of the vampire and werewolf mythos with a strong female main character, set in modern day high school. I was intrigued when I read about it. But I feel the series as a whole under-delivered. However, for the record, I will say Kristen Stewart is cute (Much better and hotter in Adventureland IMO).
Simply put, while mildly interesting from an idea standpoint, the books are COMPLETELY subpar when compared to:
1) Dracula- the gold standard for the "create tension by leaving things unseen" method of vampire novel. The movie Jaws used the same formula for the shark. Hannibal Lecter is another good example- on screen in Silence of the Lambs for around 15 minutes of a 120 minute movie. And he was creepy as fuck. Then look at the sequels- once the monster is the center of attention, he becomes less scary.
2) Anne Rice's Vampire Sagas- These books deal with a lot of the themes Twilight tries to tackle. Ms. Rice's novels are sweeping epics of lust, longing, tragedy, sex, gore, God, the Devil, the nature of good and evil, and the conflict between legend and technology. But she is able to delve into these topics with vigor because of her use of multiple narrators throughout the series, and the fact that she is WRITING FOR ADULTS! Twilight was written for teens, and many of the deep thematic elements that could have made the books better were glossed over in favor of LONG LONG LONG passages rehashing the feelings of a young girl. And her feelings barely change for the length of the series! She never doubts her feelings or thinks that perhaps she has made a mistake or wonders what could have been- you, know... things real people do.
3) Underworld- the first mainstream media offering in many years to combine the two mythos: vampire and werewolf. In the movie, the traditional legends are generally respected, though tweaked for 21st century sensibilities: the vampires are still aristocratic like Dracula, but dress in modern couture borrowed from the story boards of the Matrix. The werewolves are re-imagined into more dog-like humanoid form, but otherwise stick with the conceit of shabby, ripped clothes and uncontrollable rage. They were set-up in a master-slave relationship and the story takes off from there- with doses of genetic engineering, chimeras, and modern CGI thrown about. If there is one thing Ms. Meyer could have taken from this film it was this: the fun of a good action sequence. Her books are all build and not pay off. If it were porn, there'd be no money-shot. Especially in Twilight. She spent FOUR HUNDRED pages establishing the danger of the vampires, the lethality of the tracker who was stalking the characters, and then at the end? Her narrator passes out, and wakes up AFTER THE CLIMACTIC BATTLE!
For how to write good action scenes I point the curious to Stephen Hunter, Vince Flynn, and the master himself, Robert Ludlum.
Oh, and while I can't speak in great detail about them (Jill could!), Ms. Meyer was also INCREDIBLY influenced by the novels of the nineteenth century- I speak of the Jane Austen, and Bronte Sisters. All sexual and class tension- NO ACTION. That being said, I've read Jane Eyre, and Wuthering Heights, and while I didn't like them, I can respect the use of language those authors exhibited. I cannot say the same about Ms. "How many crappy adverbs can I cram into one book?" Meyer. For a discussion of the weakness inherent in the way she writes Ms. Meyer should read Stephen King's On Writing... for that matter, everyone should. (I'm a King fan, mostly because he doesn't take himself seriously, and gets genuine joy out of the art of writing, and the Dark Tower is the Lord of the Rings of "our" generation).
Oh and by the way, the Romeo and Juliet references buzz around like flies on shit... she even has them READ THE DAMN PLAY IN CLASS.... subtlety thy name is NOT Stephenie Meyer.
So there. I don't like Twilight. So PLEASE let someone attack me over this blog post.... I haven't gotten to break anybody's limb recently!
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Kevin Smith is a Silly Bitch
He is.
Just watched his third Q&A Documentary, Sold Out: A Three-vening with Kevin Smith, last night while stewing in my exhaustion/muscle relaxer haze, and laughed my tits off. It was much longer than the other two in the series, but doesn't suffer for it.
I, like many people my age, grew up on Kevin's movies. I still remember my jaw dropping during the "you sucked 37 dicks" scene of Clerks, or the Superman-Lois sex debate of Mallrats, or the fisting and fingercuffs in Chasing Amy. And don't get me started on Dogma. Brilliant. Period.
He has always been good for fantastic low-brow comedy mixed with dialogue that captures the beautiful banality of everyday conversation and elevates it to poetry. I refer you to The Fleck's and Jason Lee's speeches in Chasing Amy. But until I saw these documentaries, I never realized how truly gifted a comedian Kevin Smith is.
I refer to his many geeking out stories about Star Wars, and getting a private tour of the Battlestar Galactica set (where the producer stenciled a ship as belonging to Cpt. Silent as a tribute to Smith), and his in-depth analysis of just how boring Superman Returns was. Possible use of Super-roofies are involved!
But more than that, the man is fearless in discussing his personal life, and his many insecurities. Being recognized by the proctologist who diagnoses his anal fissure, looking like Humptey-Dumptey's butch lesbian aunt while trying on a custom built wet-suit, and the microscopic nature of his dick are all fair game for a man who has built a rabid following of fans by giving them constant access to his own musings and experiences.
If you have not seen any of his work, you are missing out on one of the funniest smartest cats in the business. Period.
Here endeth the electronic rimjob. You're welcome Kevin.
Just watched his third Q&A Documentary, Sold Out: A Three-vening with Kevin Smith, last night while stewing in my exhaustion/muscle relaxer haze, and laughed my tits off. It was much longer than the other two in the series, but doesn't suffer for it.
I, like many people my age, grew up on Kevin's movies. I still remember my jaw dropping during the "you sucked 37 dicks" scene of Clerks, or the Superman-Lois sex debate of Mallrats, or the fisting and fingercuffs in Chasing Amy. And don't get me started on Dogma. Brilliant. Period.
He has always been good for fantastic low-brow comedy mixed with dialogue that captures the beautiful banality of everyday conversation and elevates it to poetry. I refer you to The Fleck's and Jason Lee's speeches in Chasing Amy. But until I saw these documentaries, I never realized how truly gifted a comedian Kevin Smith is.
I refer to his many geeking out stories about Star Wars, and getting a private tour of the Battlestar Galactica set (where the producer stenciled a ship as belonging to Cpt. Silent as a tribute to Smith), and his in-depth analysis of just how boring Superman Returns was. Possible use of Super-roofies are involved!
But more than that, the man is fearless in discussing his personal life, and his many insecurities. Being recognized by the proctologist who diagnoses his anal fissure, looking like Humptey-Dumptey's butch lesbian aunt while trying on a custom built wet-suit, and the microscopic nature of his dick are all fair game for a man who has built a rabid following of fans by giving them constant access to his own musings and experiences.
If you have not seen any of his work, you are missing out on one of the funniest smartest cats in the business. Period.
Here endeth the electronic rimjob. You're welcome Kevin.
Friday, February 13, 2009
How's this for Irony?
I was driving my friend, Michelle, to test-drive a used car she was interested in buying. I got on the highway. I started to smell something burning. I looked in the rear-view mirror and see blue smoke. I look again. And again. I finally realize it is, in fact, coming from MY car. I almost kill us both half pulling onto the shoulder and half cutting off a very angry soccer mom... Fuck you lady your car wasn't spitting blue smoke.
So I think my engine is about to explode, but when I look, my oil light isn't on, and the temperature guage for the engine is in the normal range. So I step out of the car, and at this point I'd like to give a big Fuck You to the guy in the blue van that was riding the lane line, and don't smell oil. No I smell rubber. Burning rubber.
Turns out my right rear tire has a gouge the size of a porn star's cock in it because my suspension has dropped down and has been rubbing against it for what could have been days...
Woo fuckin hoo.
Thank Jeebus that Michelle has a mechanic friend. Aaron, if you are reading this, though you have no reason to be, I owe you a beer. He got us in touch with the towing service, which showed up in 15 minutes (NY tow trucks would be suckin this guy's dust).
Side note: Our driver looked like a ginger-kid version of the bald guitarist from Anthrax... complet with wicked fu-man-choo goatee! Also he had a skull tattoo on his neck and when he turned his head, it looked like it was winking at Michelle... pretty funny! He also kept rubbing Michelles leg whenever he had to shift to seventh gear, though he did apologize for "getting fresh"!
So I was struck by the irony of taking my friend to go buy a Toyota and having my own Toyota break the fuck down... Though the irony won't help the sting of the estimate I'm going to be recieving on Monday...
But at least I have a real excuse to not go to the gym for awhile!!
So I think my engine is about to explode, but when I look, my oil light isn't on, and the temperature guage for the engine is in the normal range. So I step out of the car, and at this point I'd like to give a big Fuck You to the guy in the blue van that was riding the lane line, and don't smell oil. No I smell rubber. Burning rubber.
Turns out my right rear tire has a gouge the size of a porn star's cock in it because my suspension has dropped down and has been rubbing against it for what could have been days...
Woo fuckin hoo.
Thank Jeebus that Michelle has a mechanic friend. Aaron, if you are reading this, though you have no reason to be, I owe you a beer. He got us in touch with the towing service, which showed up in 15 minutes (NY tow trucks would be suckin this guy's dust).
Side note: Our driver looked like a ginger-kid version of the bald guitarist from Anthrax... complet with wicked fu-man-choo goatee! Also he had a skull tattoo on his neck and when he turned his head, it looked like it was winking at Michelle... pretty funny! He also kept rubbing Michelles leg whenever he had to shift to seventh gear, though he did apologize for "getting fresh"!
So I was struck by the irony of taking my friend to go buy a Toyota and having my own Toyota break the fuck down... Though the irony won't help the sting of the estimate I'm going to be recieving on Monday...
But at least I have a real excuse to not go to the gym for awhile!!
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
My own personal inauguration...
So I decided I needed a way to vent some of my boredom and frustration, and my currently unfulfilled need to write and produce... something. Thus... this.
I began this post writing about how a lot of the movies I see are essentially bullshit filler, but I started getting so overwhelmed with trying to point out all the things that piss me off, that I had to start over. This is take two. I've decided to focus on one facet of films that consistently make me cringe.
That facet is the seemingly unkillable suckhole that is the Chick Flick.
These things are the bastard in-bred second cousins of the romantic comedies from years past.
Romantic comedies used to star the biggest actors and actresses of the time, were generally well written, and used word-play as foreplay. Names like Katherine Hepburn, Carey Grant, James Stewart were regularly above the title. Now most of these movies are the bastions of actresses who aren't getting dramatic work anymore (I'm looking at you Sandra Bullock) or never had the ability to actually act (that means you Jessica Alba).
Here's the link to the Rotten Tomatoes list of the all time best reviewed Romantic Comedies:
http://www.rottentomatoes.com/guides/best_romantic_comedies/
There are a few modern movies, and most of them were made by Judd Apatow. That says something, but I'm not quite sure what...
If you look at the movies coming out today, there tend to be two types. Ones based on barely readable chick-lit like The Devil Wears Prada, or the new suckfest on the horizon Confessions of a Shopaholic. The other can all be classified as "Attempts to recapture the magic of When Harry Met Sally and Sleepless in Seattle". Both blow. Badly.
Irrational plot? Check
Improbably handsome and sensitive man? Check.
A main character who claims to be confident but is secretly insecure and needs someone to see them for who they are on the inside? Check.
Throw in a couple of bullshit physical comedy stunts, generally involving the girl tripping over something and the male lead catching her? Check.
Chatty, cynical best-friend who is eventually won over? Check.
Utter lack of any redeemable quality? Check.
The ability to kill brain cells at a rate comparable to crystal meth? You bet.
An even shittier sequel in the pipeline? Coming Soon!
We'd be better off using the film to start a bonfire to roast weenies and watch fantastic films like Lethal Weapon, Rambo, any Chuck Norris, Steven Seagal, Schwarzennegger, or Stallone film...
I began this post writing about how a lot of the movies I see are essentially bullshit filler, but I started getting so overwhelmed with trying to point out all the things that piss me off, that I had to start over. This is take two. I've decided to focus on one facet of films that consistently make me cringe.
That facet is the seemingly unkillable suckhole that is the Chick Flick.
These things are the bastard in-bred second cousins of the romantic comedies from years past.
Romantic comedies used to star the biggest actors and actresses of the time, were generally well written, and used word-play as foreplay. Names like Katherine Hepburn, Carey Grant, James Stewart were regularly above the title. Now most of these movies are the bastions of actresses who aren't getting dramatic work anymore (I'm looking at you Sandra Bullock) or never had the ability to actually act (that means you Jessica Alba).
Here's the link to the Rotten Tomatoes list of the all time best reviewed Romantic Comedies:
http://www.rottentomatoes.com/guides/best_romantic_comedies/
There are a few modern movies, and most of them were made by Judd Apatow. That says something, but I'm not quite sure what...
If you look at the movies coming out today, there tend to be two types. Ones based on barely readable chick-lit like The Devil Wears Prada, or the new suckfest on the horizon Confessions of a Shopaholic. The other can all be classified as "Attempts to recapture the magic of When Harry Met Sally and Sleepless in Seattle". Both blow. Badly.
Irrational plot? Check
Improbably handsome and sensitive man? Check.
A main character who claims to be confident but is secretly insecure and needs someone to see them for who they are on the inside? Check.
Throw in a couple of bullshit physical comedy stunts, generally involving the girl tripping over something and the male lead catching her? Check.
Chatty, cynical best-friend who is eventually won over? Check.
Utter lack of any redeemable quality? Check.
The ability to kill brain cells at a rate comparable to crystal meth? You bet.
An even shittier sequel in the pipeline? Coming Soon!
We'd be better off using the film to start a bonfire to roast weenies and watch fantastic films like Lethal Weapon, Rambo, any Chuck Norris, Steven Seagal, Schwarzennegger, or Stallone film...
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